There are an infinite amount of questions you will be asked and ask in your lifetime. From simple ones like" What time is it?", "Is is supposed to rain?" and "Where is you get those shoes?" to complex ones like "If a tree falls in a forest, what time did the train leave the station?" Okay, so that's not really a question people ask, but I swear that was what I heard everyday in math class. In all seriousness, there is no way to foresee what questions will be asked of you on any given day. And with all the combinations of people and ideas, it's funny to me that we all know what is being referred to when you hear "Did he pop the question?"
And man, to the questions start to flood when you say "Yes". "When is your wedding day?" "Where are you having it?" "Can we invite the great Aunt?" Who's paying for the champagne?"
There are SO MANY questions that will need answers, and with all the unknown it takes to plan a wedding, you will likely be asking your soon-to-be for their opinion. The next few months will probably start to feel like an interrogation.
Consider the movie "About Time", If you haven't seen it, the short version is that a socially awkward man finds out the men in the family can travel in time. He gets the chance to live out any scenario in his life as many times as he wants in order to make sure it comes out great. Part of the story is that he meets the love of his life, they date, get engaged and then plan their wedding. This next scene is exactly what I'm talking about. He's sitting on their couch trying to work and she is asking him a bunch of wedding questions that he really doesn't feel like thinking about. She bribes him with losing piece of clothing every time they make a wedding decision. It's quite genius to say the least, but they've managed to take a rather stressful decision making process and add in a little humor.
I'm talking so much about questions and decisions because even though there is no way to foresee what questions you will be asked to answer after your engagement, there is one question you should never ask yourself.
And before I share this very important question I have to share the WHY?
I grew up with a fairytale mindset when it came to love. And this wasn't my fault, or Disney's, but rather my family. And fault isn't the right word, because it's not a blaming kind of thing, it's just the roots of my love story.
See, my parents have been married for 35 years and they met in the 4th grade. If you want to hear a story that makes you believe in young love, listen to the way my papa talks about the day my mom walked into his class. You can see it in his eyes to this day how she made him feel.
My grandparents have been married for 65 years and their love story could seriously be turned into a Hollywood Film and no one would believe the part in the beginning where the screen would read "True Events".
Their story started with a whole ocean between them. My grandfather found a wallet with her picture in it, and when he returned it to the owner he asked about the girl in the photo. He got her address, wrote a few letters and only after a few months they met for the first time and married the next day. Their first kiss was at their wedding, and he was so nervous, he kissed her on the forehead. There is SO much more to both of these stories, but that should give you the sense of love stories that I grew up listening to.
I believed that they were the norm, and not the exception. I thought all love stories were grand and unbelievable so when you told them, your audience would react with "NO way!"
And it's not that I was determined to have that kind of love story, but it almost seemed like I was looking for it.
My first real relationship happened when I was 17, he was my first everything and I figured THAT was going to be my love story, a story of "one and only". I was so blinded by the idea of a fairytale that I missed every red flag (and that's an understatement). There could have been flashing red fire engine lights in my face and I would have missed them. The funny part is, that with these grand love story ideas swirling around in my heart, I stopped listening to my head. I was always so level headed about everything and everyone else, but never quite self-aware when it came to my relationship.
My papa even told me this story once about a friend who was about to get married. He said they were sitting in the groom's room all by themselves about to walk out, and this friend turned to him and asked "How do you know you're doing there right thing?" My parents were recently married at the time and I guess his friend was looking for reassurance before his wedding. The thing about my papa, is that if you know him, he'll never tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear. And his response was honest, he said, "You don't as the question."
So there you have it! THE ONE QUESTION YOU SHOULDN'T BE ASKING.
I know what you're thinking, "We'll that's not fair. People ask that all the time and still stay married." And yes thats' true, but I couldn't be more convinced that that particular question in that scenario is a great determinator of where your head and heart stand.
In fact, he had told me that story when I was in high school, I'm not sure why but that's when it happened. I didn't think about that story again until I was sitting alone in my bridal suite waiting to walk down the aisle. I remember the room was dark lit, empty, and quite (sad honestly). I could hear the bustle of guests finding their seats and soft music playing in the background. And all I kept thinking was his response, "You don't ask that question." It sort of made me mad because I had been asking that question all day, internally, and I just kept saying "It's not fair, people ask this question on their wedding day all the time. That can't be real."
As it would it have it, that marriage didn't last even 2 years. It wasn't rushed, I had spent 9 years in the relationship, and never stopped to really think about the questions my head kept asking. I was stuck on the idea of a grand story rather than the reality of things.
.
And boy, did reality kick in. And though the following year had been even harder (divorce always sucks) I started asking the right questions for me. I was being honest and there was a lot of soul searching.
In the end I kept asking the questions that would lead me to happiness, not defined in a book, but what I defined as happiness.
Later, I took a chance and found real love. There was no knight in shiny amour, there was no damsel in distress, there was no chance this story would be made into a Hollywood Film, but there was lightening. And it was evident that I found my person, and the love story that I always wanted; REAL.
Shortly after, I found myself about to walk down the aisle again, but somehow it felt like the first time I'd ever done it. It was my second wedding but first real love. And though I had two weddings, the comparison couldn't have been more different.
In my bridal suite on that very hot June Day, I asked a lot of questions. I asked for my girls to turn the music up, I asked for pb&j, I asked for funny stories & silly jokes, I asked for support and love. But I never asked "If I was doing the right thing."
With Love and Glitter,
Michaelene S.